고독한...

I've been feeling very lonely and isolated these past few weeks.
미안 해요. I feel this is going to be quite a melancholy post.
I don't know how to describe it only as the feeling that I know everyone
and yet I am never included in anything. Almost like I'm reading the
same book as everyone but I'm a few pages behind. I've been feeling
like the people around me whom are my age barely speak to me.
I know I have had this problem since high school.
Being friendly with everyone and yet feeling like I'm never fitting in.
Always being the outsider.

I have a performance on the 23rd for a special event to bring
my favorite korean entertainment company's concert here to Sydney.
SME will always be my favorite company for their perseverance,
drive and dedication to what they do. I've been practising the choreography
over and over in my mind as I haven't been able to fully rehearse physically
the past week as I had come down with the worst flu I've ever actually caught.
This is the first time I've ever lost my voice due to having the flu (and it
completely disappeared too!). Every time I DID attempt to speak it felt
like I was pushing a whirring chainsaw down my throat.

Maybe it's just winter but I really dislike this feeling of longing
for being hugged. I hug my pillows at night thinking that'll make me feel
better, and it does for a bit. Then the loneliness sinks in and then it just hurts.
Hopefully this feeling will go away once my fatigue-due-to-recovering-from
-the-stupid-flu is gone. Then I can immerse myself in being completely busy.
So much in fact that I won't even notice the loneliness and I'll be too
preoccupied with more important things to notice.

On a happier note. Here is my godson Kevin.

피터헌 오빠 에 노리타

예쁜 오빠...

you inspire me to chase after my dreams,

catch them, and never let go...

oneway forever.

peace and god bless.

first of 2011

it's already three months into this year.
great way to state the obvious. =P
currently feeling a great deal of melancholy.
successfully have two tracks under my belt.
continuing on with my business degree
as well as continuing language classes in
korean and once that's complete i'll start
mandarin.

but in this moment, my mind is numb and is
being swallowed by black emptiness.
i want nothing more than to be in that
warm all consuming hug i always dream about.

it's seems that the only time i ever feel
truly happy nowadays is when i'm singing
like i'm about to die. that cathartic release,
is what i live for right now...

and sleeping. dreaming of those hugs.